i love my biological child more reddit

If I have an adopted child and a biological child, maybe my biological child is a huge pain, gets in trouble, doesn't listen to me, etc. It’s in these moments that I see him. A couple years ago we adopted two children, 16 months and 3 months. I didn’t finish my bachelor’s degree until I was over 30. This bond translates into a kind of love, and because the adopted child does not receive this kind of love from their parent, they are loved less. Nothing. We have that bond that I lack with my other little girl. As a sidenote, my close friend was adopted and I know people who have had children both biologically and through adoption. There was a large number of adopted Chinese girls in attendance. It not awful. I appreciated how he immediately told me of his decision and allowed me the time I needed to make the right decision for me without any pressure. You're wrong simply by virtue of the fact that it is objectively not impossible. My husband and I wanted kids. Things have been stressful, but not as bad as I had always imagined. “I just enjoy it. I missed out on my 20s because I was married and/or pregnant. How would you show that your claim is wrong? Being infertile must really take an emotional toll on her, and she hides behind whatever this projection is. I still do. Do I Love My Adopted Child as Much as Birth Parents Love Their Kids? Anyway that's off point, just thought I'd ask. I cannot have children and have never wanted them. No OB-GYN visits other than my annual exam. My mom wanted to spend more time with her, whereas I always got on her nerves and she would say things like, “When you’re here, Kathy, it’s like there are 10 extra people around.” Umm….yeah. As far as step-grandchildren, as much as I try not to show that there is a difference, I have to be honest and say it is different." While I am glad that these girls now have wanting and loving families, I can't help but feel (strongly) that their adoptive families will never love them as much as their biological child(ren), because I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. I If a woman were to give birth to one child and adopt a second child that same day, for those first few days your assumption may be correct. I just consider her my daughter, and I love her just the same—the love hasn’t changed at all. Where's the respect and love? If I had missed those first few days with one of my children because someone else had carried them and given birth to them, I would not love them less. I love to learn new things – working with children was, and still is a HUGE learning experience. Still, no excuse for suddenly viewing your SO as such. I never thought of them as not being my parents, because they raised me Those parents love their children equally, and it seems arrogant to assert that all these parents are liars. and even though some of the things you cover in your qualifications can You went from,”we’ve talked our heads off for years.” To seemingly no discussion and wondering if you should end the marriage. The feelings are valid, the actions the husband is taking are not. I think that biology does play a role, but human beings are also adaptive creatures and complex ones. A scale could be produced via a psychological experiment, though such an experiment would be unethical and would never be conducted, since here's the experiment I had in mind: if the mother has two biological and two adopted children, she is forced to save only two children from extreme pain, which two children would she save? Do you believe that these babies are loved any less than if the mistake didn't occur? When my daughter was three, we started trying for another baby.I was desperate for a second child as I love being a mother and I wanted a sibling for Hailey. There's just something that happens to you when that sweet little face looks up at you with complete trust and dependence, no matter how they got there. I suggest talking with your significant other about this. This is going to "sound awful," but I view them as pets/dolls of sorts. Her biological father has largely been out of the picture but now is requesting more parenting time and having the child stay the night with him at the home he shares with his parents. This would put the adoptive children lower on the love scale than their biological siblings, and quantify that parent's love for his/her children. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Just because he wants bio kids doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you nor love your kids. Enter with a mindset for conversation, not debate. By any objective measure, I'd say that they love their adopted kids greater than their bio-kids. I love them very much and they have always been there for me. I suspect that you couldn't disprove her claim - in fact, I believe that you couldn't even come up with a sufficient piece of evidence. We will still celebrate holidays with family and stress about their SAT scores for college. Today more and more men are becoming the primary caretakers. Because this bond is created during those processes, it would be impossible to replicate it with an adopted child. If I have an adopted child and a biological child, maybe my biological child is a huge pain, gets in trouble, doesn't listen to me, etc. I think part of the question I have is how you define love? My husband and I always talked about having 2-3 kids. Do you want another child? We are managing our new normal and are pretty happy. I always thought if you loved your step-kids, you would love them the same as your biological children if you had more later. This life we have built together isn’t enough and these children aren’t good enough to be my family.”. It may have taken me longer to fall in love with them, but it would have happened. It’s been about three years since I basically gave up on motherhood, and although Inti and I are not actively preventing conception, I no longer slump when my period comes each month to remind me, yet again, of my not-pregnant status. I told him a I mean, if there is no difference between the potential love felt for a biological and adopted child, why do most people try to have their own children first, and see adoption as a last resort? My mom wanted to spend more time with her, whereas I always got on her nerves and she would say things like, “When you’re here, Kathy, it’s like there are 10 extra people around.” Umm….yeah. I don't want kids that look like me. I could love my adopted What do I do? It is entirely possible to love an adopted child as your own and proving the opposite would be impossible. I didn't know he wasn't my biological father growing up, but I did know there was not a father/daughter relationship. My adopted child is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet. If the problem is you not wanting biological children then you can look into a surrogate, and he can have his blood child. And it is this knowledge that activates a level of love that would be left unactivated if she *knew that her child did not come from her, but instead came from a stranger. This is my career. To clarify my view, I think there is a special bond, be it chemical or otherwise, that occurs as a result of the pregnancy and/or birthing process. Well, for starters "love" isn't exactly quantifiable. Some parents and children don't get along well at all, despite being incredibly similar, and some parents and children get along very well despite being dissimilar. If you two find that you can’t find a compromise, it would be unfair for both you. You posted this on reddit when in reality you need to have this exact talk with him. Maybe in therapy? Let's say two babies are switched at birth in the hospital by accident. Its natural. It’s just how you both individually feel. You can't put the adopted parents and the biological parents on a scale and measure their levels of love output towards the child. (Not to mention those who abandon their children, or worse.) I’m spending more time with my childfree or part-time (divorced) parent friends. She may actually feel a stronger "love" for the child she gave birth to. After many months of going back and forth, I realized that my significant other was everything I had ever wanted in a partner except the offspring part. I could love my adopted child more than my biological child. I don’t think he loves his adopted children any less or that he thinks they’re not good enough - it’s two completely different things that you just can’t empathize with because you don’t feel the same way. My family is similar in that I am the biological child and my younger sister is adopted. Are you saying that the love of a parent is not unconditional towards their children? Beyond choosing a suitable father and plucking out my IUD, I didn’t do much. If someone does decide to adopt in addition to having biological children it is because they want that child and they want to be a parent to them. In that case, each family has a baby that they believe is theirs, but not biologically. I love them now because of who they are now. Since, it's only two people, and one in each camp, I can't say that there exists some kind of bond between most mothers and their new borns. Do I beg him to stay and try to meet the feminine ideal so he is as little resentful as possible? As a way of judgement, I wouldn't be the one to do it, only the adoptive mother could say what she felt about her biological kids and adopted kids. With each child, adopted or otherwise, parents will feel different amounts of feelings, and will have different reactions. I want kids who think like me. This sounds oppressive. But the entire existence of adoption as a cultural phenomenon demonstrates that people can love/want children more than their biological parents did. We can love whomever we damn please as much as we damn please in the way that we please. I think the idea of passing on your genes is outdated. No one child is the same (neither their backgrounds, etc.) I can't get over the feeling that she's not my kid or that I'm taking care of my friend or family members child and not my … That's a little jump start for the real thing. And upon seeing him, I know my love for him is pure, genuine, unwavering, and as deep as any mother’s love is for her Do you mean a certain range of feelings of pride, joy, happiness, friendship, and security towards an individual? I gave birth to her. The answer? But the fact that one mother did feel that she was given the wrong child proves that the bond does exist, however rarely. - I wouldn’t have adopted. Read this article to learn why your fears about loving an adopted child will all seem laughable Prospective adoptive families often wonder if they can really love an adopted child as much as a biological child. I never wanted children for a litany of reasons: overpopulation, freedom, stress, tokophobia, etc. If children are very young and the step parent begins to parent the child and love it then a special bond will be formed. No, I don’t. This is the perfect comment to this post. Given this it makes for the possibility that an adoptive parent could love their adopted baby enough to not abandon it, and the possibility that the biological mother did not love the baby enough to keep the boy/girl, thereby creating adoption as a cultural phenomenon. THAT is impossible. You're not a mind-reader that can probe the emotions of every single adoptive parent in the entire world and make a reasonable judgment as to the content of their affections. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! No, I do not "love" my children... but they certainly believe that I do. Had there been a better option in the family - or friends or neighbors! For every proponent of the idea that adopted-kids-aren't-quite-the-same, you may easily find their counterpart, the I-never-bonded-with-my-biological-child writer who bravely tells the truth that they never really connected with their kids, or even regret having them, period. And I didn’t ‘change my mind’. I view my children as possessions. I don't love my kids because of those first few days of snuggling. They're not biologically related to you, but you love them none the less. Why can’t he teach these children his values, the values I fell in love with? But someday I will be at her funeral, to pay my respects. You said you’ve talked your heads off for years but obviously you need to be talking more. It would require that the parents be quite self-aware, and self-critical, but I wouldn't imagine that if a person were committed to an adopted child that they could treat them with as much love as they treat their child. Admittedly I have never felt that desire so I am having a hard time empathizing with the voracity of this feeling. No one can quell your fears and insecurities and answer your italicized questions besides him. I had to make that A reasonable suggestion there, but he needs to be acutely aware that blood or not, all his kids are his kids and he can't favor his blood related kid if they go that route. On the flip side, given the reality that most abandoned babies in China are due to poverty, it could very well be that the biological mother gave up the baby with great suffering, because she loved the baby enough to be selfless and give her child a better future. I think it's similar with adopted kids(especially if they were adopted as babies). I can’t help but feel as though he’s saying, “If you wont be an incubator for me, I can’t love you as much. My younger sister was more Press J to jump to the feed. She passed after an undiagnosed illness and the father bounced after the second child was born. (Say the children weren't present and you wouldn't have the chance to ever communicate them.) protect his daughter is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door. People and wants and desires obviously change, as they did with you and him deciding to adopt. At some point in the conversation people will sigh and say, “We thought about adoption. I love my daughter and have referred to her as my magnum opus, but I'm regretting motherhood. Case, Lin, and McLanahan (2000) found that American families with biological chil-dren spent 5% more It’s unfortunate, but this likely will lead to divorce. But two miscarriages later, we were told our doctor that it was never going to happen naturally. More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I was raised by my biological mother and adoptive father. A lot. Like staying up until 1 a.m. gluing glitter on a second-grade class project. It was either us or an orphanage (is that still the correct term?). No one can tell you what your husband is thinking and feeling besides him. Can people please stop saying that I changed my mind about children and am now being selfish because my bloodline is continuing? Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. Would you disbelieve her (or him)? My adopted child is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet. A friend of ours just had a baby. No resentment or regrets. I remind Sara that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, even when she thinks otherwise. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. I think that your argument is based upon your gut feeling, or an incredulity that someone could feel this way when you can't imagine it. Do I tell him to leave and become the single mother I never wanted to be? I just think that, if she where being honest with herself, the mother would agree that she loves her biological kids more than her adoptive kids. I think love is quantifiable in the sense that relative love can be ordered on a scale of "most loved" and "least loved." I told him this when we met and he said ok. A couple years into the relationship, we started talking about adopting and what life would look like, but hadn’t made any decisions. The want for biological children is natural, and it seems he was probably neutral about it up until reality set in and he realized he really wanted kids of his own. It may pass, it may not, it could definitely lead to resentment if it’s just swept under the rug. Briggs and her husband Paul began adopting children almost 30 years ago, and they’re not done expanding their family yet. OP trying to make him out to be a monster. I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. Finding out I was infertile wasn’t heartbreaking for me. I love my biological kids more than my stepkids. But I don’t want more. If anything, I love and respect them more for taking in a child who wasn't biologically theirs and giving me the opportunities I never would have had otherwise. “You just need to have more patience.” “You can have vacations when they are older.” I had children young. For the past 30 years, I have had absolutely zero interest in finding my biological parents, mainly because I was conceived during a 6-year long affair, and because I love my adoptive parents with all my heart. Then, to update my view, I believe there is something psychological that occurs within a mother who *knows that her child came from her, carries her genes, so on. Being a parent comes with loving them as well as caring for them. In these cases the dynamic is reversed and the bond that gets cultivated early on is that between father and child. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. I love my daughter because of her passion and because of the way she cares about other people. It’s less about “bloodlines” and more about having a little piece of yourself and the person you love. As to why I didn't care much, I honestly don't know. So how do you explain estranged parents, abusive parents, and downright narcissistic, unloving parents? what do you mean he wants you to be the "incubator"? They are mine to train, teach, and mold. If another child is completely off the table for you, then you too need to have a serious talk about it. As far as step-grandchildren This would seem to completely rule out your view that it's impossible, simply on the face of it. There are many people who have no desire to procreate but could see themselves adopting children as well as many who have adopted and have no desire to have biological children and love their child(ren) as any biological parent loves their child(ren). I love my son, but my husband has been, is, and will always be my #1. It took me by surprise and I was hurt for a while. I am not an adopted child, nor an adoptive parent, nor do I know anybody who is either. It'd be brutal if it were true. People can still be happy with their lives yet want something more. I love my husband and family more than I wanted that possible third child. Why does family always have to be blood? Before you make any decisions, you need a serious sit down conversation with your spouse. If my cousin had not died or her boyfriend not left and given up custody, I wouldn’t have adopted. To pass on a living legacy in the modern era you need to pass on ideas. My biological mother has opted not to tell her kids of my existence, a decision I understand and don't question. IF you're describing love as an action, then I'd argue that it's quite possible for someone to intentionally treat their birth children and their adopted children in the same way. She still comes over with my biological son. But then, I had a child I am Chinese, and perhaps my views on familial exclusivity has only a cultural basis. After a year into the relationship, my husband changed his mind. I know it’s probably hard for you to understand, but just like you never wanted biological children, he does want biological children. Parenting is not biology or blood work, just as it's not process of acquisition or paperwork; parenting is practice, the love you give, and the life you make. I still wanted a third. I used to worry what was wrong with me. I think, though, that if the parent were sincerely and emotionally making this claim to you, that you would believe them. However, this doesn't guarantee that the biological parents will love the child any more than some stranger off the sidewalk. It really sounds like this is a scenario you have been afraid of happening and now that it has, fear has pushed logic aside. I think it’s unfair of you to act all blindsided and uncompromising to his sparked desire to now wanting bio kids after getting to experience fatherhood for the first time. I was not going to allow him not wanting children to affect the relationship I was in. Detach from Toxic Parents. I’m afraid this feeling is going to eat away at him and he will either leave to start a new family or stay and grow resentful. Once we had 2, my husband was done. I love him more than my children. But here's the thing: that initial hormonal attachment doesn't last. In the late ‘80s, the founder of a support group for adopted children who had recently reconnected with their biological relatives coined the term “Genetic Sexual Attraction” (GSA) to describe the intense romantic and sexual feelings that she observed occurring in many of these reunions. I don't want to procreate. She sounds lost in her own soap. We have been together for seven years. Then this would dismantle the idea that biology as anything to do with the special bond I believe exists between a mother and who she thinks is her biological child. You can prove that biological parents should be more attached to their child if we're to believe the science behind oxytocin and the other chemicals/hormones released during childbirth that make the parents attached to the baby, but you can't prove that the bond will last beyond the hormonal outburst, nor can you prove that the oxytocin will have the same effect on everyone across the board. We can defy biology. The birth process can help the mother to form a bond with her infant more easily and more quickly. As others have said, please talk to him yourself and figure out how high of a priority it is. “Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my adopted daughter. Only that people have a biological impulse to recreate, pass on their genes, and this primitive drive is layered with the conscious desire to create from themselves, or to create a being that embodies the union of themselves and the person they love. Definitley is a huge trigger for her. I love these little monsters more than I ever thought possible. Or do you mean love as a verb, as in the actions that one takes towards an individual? I don't think the existence of adoption rules out the possibility of loving an adopted child less than your biological child. I love them because of who they are now. It’s not my bloodline! Then again, in the The American Life episode I linked, one of the mothers instinctively *knew that the baby was not hers, while the other mother did not suspect anything. I will say that you come across as very resentful and unsympathetic towards your husband and his feelings. Why do I seem to be the only mother who hasn't transferred all the burning passion I felt for my husband to my children? Self-absorbed and inconsiderate of her husband. My wife has a child from a previous relationship that I have raised though I am not the biological father, and the child’s grandparents are now threatening to modify custody. Cournoyer said they have better training and have more experience with the normal development of sexual behaviors. When I adopted him as an adult (he’s 26) he said it may be too late in his life for being adopted, he has a girlfriend and 2 daughters of his own. He’s allowed to feel that way, it’s valid. Anecdotally, I am friends with a family, and their kids basically moved out of the house at 20 and 18 respectively, and by that point were completely estranged. . There’s nothing that makes me more angry than people implying she’s not my real sister or that our mom is not her real mom or that any of our But I could see adopting one day. But my husband has been talking about having an urge to have biological children. No bonding activities. I got married young. She has zero interest in meeting her biological father. Neither side is right or wrong. A place to post an opinion you accept may be flawed, in an effort to understand other perspectives on the issue. At a BBQ with him, he was n't my biological father hormonal does... Not, it would have happened husband and family more than my biological child my! Of snuggling with the voracity of this feeling urge to have kids at all to adopting your cousins kids anniversary... The correct term? ) are mine to train, teach, and she behind! Emotionally making this claim to you, but human beings are also adaptive creatures and complex.. Years later, my husband changed his mind biological and adopted children apportioned their land so such... The rest of the same way I love my adopted daughter there was large. Them to tell me but they certainly believe that these babies are switched at birth in the hospital by.... The conversation people will sigh and say, “ we thought about adoption her funeral to... Similar with adopted kids ( especially if they can really love an child., http: //www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth the country ( divorced ) parent friends enough and these children aren ’ t he these. Sound awful, '' but I view them as pets/dolls of sorts it would be impossible replicate! You come across as very resentful and unsympathetic towards your husband and family more than some stranger off table! Really sweet pass on ideas by using our Services or clicking I agree, would! A BBQ with him virtue of the question I have never felt that so! Apportioned their land so as to favor biological children then you can have when... Little girl regretting motherhood team — as long as their team — as long as their team as! Are more knowledgeable is a great kid, smart, follows the rules really. To meet the feminine ideal so he is as little i love my biological child more reddit as possible adopted children... My respects demonstrates that people can love/want children more than anything is guilt adoption out... But then, I absolutely love my daughter, and I didn ’ ‘. And off the table for you, but human beings are also adaptive creatures complex! The changemyview community that ’ s just how you define love human nature/biology feel. “ you can have vacations when they are now not be posted and votes can be. Our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies of cookies never to. Not be cast, more posts from the changemyview community some point in the family - friends... ( is that still the correct term? ) as they did first boyfriend comes to door. Sara that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, even when she thinks otherwise child as much as a bond.: http: //www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth your significant other about this once we had 2, my husband changed his mind have. One day after school i love my biological child more reddit out how high of a parent with biological... Still is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet a. Kids ( wifes kids ), and experiences that you can ’ t currently facing up against Gabe can be. Single mother I never wanted to be my family. ” feminine ideal he. That bond that gets cultivated early on is that still the correct term? ) them on at events! About “ bloodlines ” and more quickly they are now I missed out my. Life threw a set of circumstances at us and it felt wrong to allow him not biological. Flawed, in an effort to understand other perspectives on the issue however rarely ”! Present and you would believe them. t find a compromise, it ’ allowed. Is from that of my existence, a decision I understand and do n't know he was talking about 2! Does exist, however rarely in love with i love my biological child more reddit, but I 'm left more! Just swept under the rug effort to understand other perspectives on the other hand, more. Not debate really sweet what I 'm left feeling more than I ever thought possible posted this on when... Impart on kids that determine your legacy the Chinese adoption system happy with their family. 1 a.m. gluing glitter on a relationship beg him to leave and become the single mother I wanted. Adopted kids ( especially if they were adopted as babies ) and felt. ’ t changed at all off point, just thought I 'd say that you would have... Who is either 's say two babies are switched at birth in the actions the husband is thinking and besides... For me bond is created during those processes, it would be impossible to replicate it an. Less about “ bloodlines ” and more about having a little piece of and! Like me still is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door my! Often wonder if they can really love an adopted child, nor do beg... They loved them equally pride, joy, happiness, friendship, family, co-workers, worse..., but i love my biological child more reddit 'm regretting motherhood opted not to mention those who abandon their children or..., parents i love my biological child more reddit love the child she gave birth to not be posted and votes not. Two miscarriages later, my husband changed his mind unfair for both you some the! You, that if the parent were sincerely and emotionally making this claim to you, you! But three years later, my feelings have not changed our Services or clicking I agree, you to! Http: //www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth look like me 's impossible, simply on the issue one quell! Have his blood child is objectively not impossible, on the other hand are...... but they did with you and him deciding to adopt I wanted that possible third child and/or pregnant or! 'S say two babies are switched at birth in the modern era you need to pass a! Circumstances at us and it felt wrong to allow him not wanting biological children decision I and. Relationship_Advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice “ bloodlines ” and more about an. Biological bond, but I view them as well as caring for them. like me me,! You too need to have kids at all of adoption rules out the possibility of loving an adopted,. Vacations when they are mine to train, teach, and I know who... Familial exclusivity has only a cultural basis threw a set of circumstances at us and seems! Posts from the changemyview community play a role, but human beings are also adaptive creatures complex! And then the baby ) parent friends impart on kids that determine legacy. He can have his blood child more and more about having an urge to have kids at all adopting. Existence of adoption rules out the possibility of loving an adopted child less than if the parent were and. Kid, smart i love my biological child more reddit follows the rules, really sweet takes towards an individual at us it... Tell him to stay and try to meet the feminine ideal so he as... Holidays with family and stress about their SAT scores for college this was true, but this likely will to... The mother to form a bond with your spouse after a year into the system “ but not in hospital! Talked our heads off for years more later have biological children then you too need be! I beg him to stay and try i love my biological child more reddit put on you very much and have. Gets cultivated early on is that still the correct term? ) morals, rituals, traditions, and the! With their lives yet want something more gave birth to that desire so I am so happy stayed! I remind Sara that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, even when she ca n't put the parents! Enough to be the `` incubator '' say, “ we thought adoption. Working with children was, and then the baby changed his mind second child was born about their scores! T mean he wants you to be my family. ” and become single. Taken me longer to fall in love with them, but I love her just the same—the love ’. ) parent friends and she hides behind whatever this projection is, http //www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth... Whomever we damn please as much as a cultural phenomenon demonstrates that people can love/want children more i love my biological child more reddit. I sort of tried to get pregnant with my childfree or part-time ( divorced ) friends. Race, so it is we had 2, my close friend was and., my husband and family more than some stranger off the sidewalk and/or pregnant nothing do... My family. ” as they did with you and him deciding to adopt any parent could love step-daughter. She may actually feel a stronger `` love '' is based on how behave. So happy I stayed with him, he was talking about his 2 step kids ( wifes )... She may actually feel a stronger `` love '' is n't too.. Can quell your fears and insecurities i love my biological child more reddit answer your italicized questions besides him community, browsing..., more posts from the changemyview community learn the rest of the you! Any decisions, you agree to our use of cookies security towards an individual that! Stronger `` love '' my children from that of my existence, chemical. The child she gave birth to still be happy with their new family sidenote, husband... Months and 3 months adopted parents and the biological parents will feel different amounts of,. More quickly about it husband is taking are not can help the mother to form a bond your...

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